Open Letter to the Worst Year

 Everything happens for a reason...

This is the first time in my whole life a priest's speech made me cry. He started talking about how during the end of the year, we need to look back at everything we've been through, count our losses and reflect upon our mistakes, but how we also need to see where we're standing right now. "Your body might be covered in dirt, but that's because you are still walking the right way despite all the challenges and losses. Dust yourself and keep walking forward", he said. Trust me when I say that I need to tell myself that everyday, otherwise I would've killed myself when I was 14. I wish that was joke or an exaggeration. 

His speech made me cry because this fucking year I lost a friend, the job I utterly loved and the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I feel like I've lost everything. However, I also feel like I gained a lot for my wellbeing, for the ones that are still with me and the new chances that will arise. Still, I need to fucking complain about the shit-show that I lived throughout this year.

Mafer

Back in September, I had to kick the woman I loved out of my life because of all the water under the bridge became so unbearable, the bridge collapsed and I needed to make a quick decision: Save myself because I can swim away from the disaster, or hold her hand and let her drag me to a certain death. I did what I had to.

Sorry for the long metaphor.

She was the type of person that would let all her suitors and "friends" talk shit about our relationship, and then get angry at me because I asked her to set boundaries with them. Literally! All of her "male friends" couldn't stop talking shit about me while they were flirting with her, even though I've never spoken to them. The thing was that they wanted me out of the way so they could be Mafer's boyfriend. That actually happened in 2020 when Mafer and I broke up and immediately she started dating one of those "friends" because "he just asked me out and I accepted". She just needed a distraction or a reason to get away from her mother on weekends.

To make matters worse, she always lied to her awfully strict mother when she was going out with her friends, while she pushed me every week to get in a fight with her mother just to hang out with her on Saturdays. And don't get me started with the "licenses" we needed from her mom in order to travel out of town. That's why we barely had those. The worst part is that she said that she forced me to "asked" (more like get in a fight) for permission because she wanted to do "things right" with me and her mother... but she would straight up lie when she wanted to get away with her "friends"? Am I the asshole here?

I remember the shock I got when I realized she didn't want to hang out with me, even though I was her "boyfriend". She was pushing me away every single day, but I held my ground every single time and tried to make this work. Joke's on me. Like I said, if she wanted to hang out with the idiots who kept flirting with her, she would say things like "I have to work. Yes, on Saturday and Sunday", but if I wanted to hang out with her, she was like "Ask my mother for permission six months in advance and we need to get back here 30 minutes before the time she gives us. No, I don't care if we're stuck in a traffic jam or if the car brakes up". FML!

I hate that I chose to live with all that shit for so long. I hate that being alone is one of my biggest fears and that I wasn't able to leave her even when I knew this was not going to end well for me. I'm angry at myself because I can only blame me for giving my very best to the wrong person. I can't believe there was a point in my life where I was totally serious about marrying her. 

Stupid. Reckless.

I'm broken because I gave everything to her, and she was like "I didn't ask for it. Besides, these other idiots think I'm pretty". My grandpa taught us that if you love someone, you would do everything to give them a better life, like get them medical help if needed, take them to cool places, give them awesome gifts... pretty much spend most of your money on them. I wish I didn't spend so much on her needs. Money, energy, time... Fuck you, Mafer, you'll marry someone who is just like you and it's very obvious how that's going to end.

When I grew the pair to leave her, all my friends congratulated me because they saw how she treated me, they knew how much I gave her, and they realized I was going to lose everything if I stayed way before I did. Everyone knew the kind of person Mafer was, but I was too coward to run.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg...

I'm thankful that it's over. I still feel angry, but also content. The only good thing she left me is the knowledge of all the things I don't want ever in a relationship nor my life. I'm mad at me for giving all my love to someone who didn't care if I just disappear one of these days. Thank God, it's over and I know I'm not alone.

Farias

A few years ago, my best friend, Johari, told me one of our childhood friend, Farias, was diagnosed with cancer, and that his family was raising money to complete our friend's treatment. We donated what we could and set up a "playdate" to visit him and play videogames, just like when we were in highschool.

I was in shock when we saw him bald and very skinny. Nonetheless, he greeted us with a big smile and a hug. We talked a bit of our lives, how he had already went through a lot of procedures, how his family was taking care of the situation. Everything was actually good, despite the sickness that fell upon our friend.

It was an awesome afternoon because we played a lot of Nintendo together, we drank a bunch of Cola and ate like ten bags of chips. Just like old times. I remember Farias told us he had spent a long time studying abroad after college. He was working on getting his Master's Degree in China when he started to feel very weird. Thankfully, he was here with his family when the diagnosis stroke. We talked with his family about this shit and, even though everyone was very helpful and positive about the future, I could see fear on their faces. 

After a lot of chemo and daily struggles, he beat cancer. He was a healthy boy again! I met him again a few months after he'd won the battle and he was stronger, taller and even hairer than ever. He joined Johari and the rest of my friends when I played with my band at a bar on Halloween. Farias loved metal just as much as Johari and I. We shared a lot of interests and hobbies, but our love for metal music took us to the best trip of our lives.

On December 2022, Farias, Johari, Kup and I went together to the Hell and Heaven Metal Fest in Toluca, where we saw a lot of our favorite bands like Pantera, Megadeth, Judas Priest, Scorpions, Slipknot and many many more. Since it was a whole weekend, we paid a tour service that provided transport and lodging, where we met other metalheads and had the time of our lives. We spent almost the whole 72 hours drunk. I don't think I've ever spent so much money on beer and other alcoholic beverages... but it was worth it. 

We could tell Farias was very happy, but sometimes he would get sad out of nowhere and say things like "Rob Halford is so fucking old! But still I'm going to die before he does". I have to admit, it was creepy and sad, but we would find ways to cheer him up again and we all kept on rocking the fuck out!

After that, Johari would keep me updated about what Farias was doing with his life seeing that he started traveling the world again. He spent a lot of time in Russia (mainly because of his girlfriend/wife), Deutschland and China. Johari sometimes told me that Farias was building a Rocketship with his own hands in Germany, which I totally believed 'cause Farias was a math genius and a Master in Engineering.

When Johari was diagnosed with early stages of cancer, Farias was always texting him to see how he was doing. He also sent me a few messages asking about Johari's condition, but he would also ask me what could he do to make Johari feel better, and I just told him to keep texting him everyday so Johari would know he was not alone. Thanks to an early diagnosis, Johari got better and we were planning to visit our friend in Germany to the point where he was eager to meet us in his new home. But that was pretty much the last news I got from Farias.

Just a few months ago, Johari sent me a Facebook post written by Farias' sister, in which she described a terrible car accident our friend and his wife (apparently they both got married while he was battling cancer) got into. Farias was in a coma in Russia and her mother was trying to get to the hospital before the worst thing happened. Johari and I helped in every way we could, but after a whole month of nothing, we got the news that Farias' mom made it to the hospital and that our friend was just waiting for her to say goodbye.

Our good friend Farias passed away on September 14th 2024. His family brought his ashes to Mexico until October 6th because of all the Russian-Mexican bureaucracy. Johari and I went to his funeral on December 14th, where we supported his family and said a final goodbye to our good friend.

In a very selfish way, I'm sad I didn't spend more time with him, getting to know him better and making him a friend of mine as close as Johari is to me. I really wish I could have done more for our friendship. I'm mad at me for not showing more love to the people I actually love.

My band, my friends, my brothers

There are just a handful of things in the world that actually brings joy to my heart. One of them is playing with my band. Rocking the fuck out! My comrades, my brothers in arms. I feel sad that due to adulthood, we are unable to rock together, but I've also failed at showing how important they are to me.

One of the things I learned after kicking Mafer out of my life is that, while I was spending my time and my love in the wrong person, I neglected the people that I love and who love me back: My friends.

Even though I usually keep in touch with all of them, I know I ignored them all because I chose to spend time with an awful girl. I'm trying to fix that by being more expressive with my friends and spending more time with them. I'm changing my habits in order to hang out more with them, together and individually, but I know I have to do more. I have to be better, and I know they will help me be better for me.

The problem with me having a girlfriend is that I usually give my everything to her while pushing my friends away. But they are always there for me, they have always been there for me. I don't want to feel the same repentance with them that I feel now that Farias is gone. I want to be a better friend to them because they have been such great friends with me always.

There are a few good things that happened this year, and all my friends were involved in those tiny moments of true joy. Such as traveling to Spain with Johari to see Rammstein live at the Lluis Companys Olympic Stadium in Barcelona. Johari also joined me in the Metallica concert at Foro Sol GNP Stadium in Mexico City, where we saw them very close and managed to grab a few guitar pics from the band! I also started to get closer to my friend Maraboto to the point that we are creating a habit of going to different bars, get drunk and talk about life. I'm trying to forge a better friendship with my rhythm guitarist, Erick, but sometimes I feel like I'm still a child and he's a very responsible adult. My friendship with Coyi and Fercho has always being strong, but I'm still trying to find time or ways to make it even stronger. I know they all have my back, I just want them to know I got theirs.

I want to get drunk with Maraboto more frequently. I wish to share a guitar solo with Erick while perfoming live with Coyi and Maraboto. I want to talk about girls and responsibility with Fercho and Coyi. I'm eager to travel the world with Johari. I want to live my life with them on my side. Now I know I'm not alone.

"All because I'm the lead *guitar* of my band"

Doing it for myself

This year kicked my ass. I lost the job I utterly loved because of corporate greed, and I've been struggling to find a new one; I realized the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with was only using me to get her life "fixed" (because she can't get her shit together), and the thought that life is just one money struggle after another is getting to me to the point where I'm not sure if I'm going to make it to 31.

But at least there were a few things that put a smile on my face, mainly because I'm doing them to be a better version of myself. I started taking care of me and my health. I took care of the fucking wart I had on my back since I was 15 and I'm going into debt for a whole year by buying a gym membership. Yes, these things cost money and time, but I'm willing to put everything I have just to be a better version of myself.

I'm also happy that I fulfilled one of my 2024 resolutions: learn Deutsch. Learning new languages is pleasure that not only makes my heart happy, but it's also a skill that gets me closer to one of my life goals. My plan is to keep learning, move upwards through the levels but I'm going to need money and time. So, first order of things is to get a decent job. Wish me luck.

I'm going to try to keep on keeping on. I'm doing my best, not for someone else, but for me. I think this might be the first time I'm actually putting myself first.